Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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