I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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