Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
