i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
