please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
