I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
