I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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