Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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