I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
