u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
