My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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