What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
