if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
