pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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