I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
