your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
