Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
