Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
