good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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