Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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