I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
