Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
