You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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