why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
