just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
