Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
