I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
