My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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