Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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