Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she peed on how many people?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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