I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
