We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
