I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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