I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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