Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
