just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
