nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
