I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
