There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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