I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize