One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
