I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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