hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
