my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
