On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
