I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
