Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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