Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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