grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
