im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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