Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize