just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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