His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
