I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
